I'm officially fat. There is no question now. At my checkup yesterday, the reaction was "Whoa! You've had a growth spurt!" Uh, yeah. It seems that my belly has grown 5 cm since my last appointment two weeks ago. Compare this to an average 1 to 2 cm of belly expansion, and you understand why Mat actually thought he saw my midsection grow before his eyes over the weekend. These pics, by the way, are from two weeks ago pre-explosion. So take my belly, add 5 cm straight out, throw in a green shirt that doesn't fit anymore, and you get the true picture.
Along with this rapid expansion of real estate, I've had the joy of experiencing the other fun add-ons that happen at this stage of pregnancy:
1. Swollen feet. Yes, we all know this happens. But when it first happens to you, it can be shocking. (How many times have I said that over the past 8 months?) Of course I freaked out and called it in. One day, all of a sudden, my ankles swelled to about 4 times their normal size. I thought I broke something in there. Nope, just my newly acquired cankles saying hi.
2. Jowls. Ahh, aren't these fun? I thought I might have escaped this unfortunate side effect. That'd be a big (fat) no.
3. Big lips. Yes, I had big lips before I became pregnant. But for some reason, maybe its the circumference expansion of my head in general, my lips are huge! I can feel them flapping when I talk. I'm not making that up.
4. Strange hair. This complaint can be broken down into two distinct, but equally offensive, parts.
Part A: Random chin hairs. My sister lovingly pointed out to me while she was in town that in certain non-flattering light, you can see long hairs growing out of my face. I tried to call her bluff, but lo and behold as I looked a certain way in the mirror the light caught the behemoth 2 inch blond hair sticking out of my chin. I assume he wasn't the first or last.
Part B: awkward head hair. By this I mean, something strange is brewing in my scalp or something. After giving up in frustration the idea of getting a decent hair do in the area, I tried to color my hair myself. Now, I'm not a newbie at this; I used to color my hair a really great platinum for a time and never had a problem. But during this fateful application, I turned my hair orange. Coco looked like my long lost twin. Apparently pregnancy wreaks havoc on your hair chemistry, and I got to see it illustrated first hand! It was truly an awesome color. From what I could see through my tears.
5. Cellulite. But not your normal cellulite that you find on your thighs and butt. This is cellulite in weird places - arms, sides of my back, my calves. What is the point of this? I mean really. What biological purpose does this serve in growing a baby? And can someone please tell me that this goes away?! ....Anyone...?
I've been told, in no uncertain terms, that if I want to have a normal size baby squeeze out of my pie hole I need to lay off of the midnight Eggo cereal consumption and 'find a healthy snack alternative instead.' So, let me get this straight. You're telling me to stop consuming golden maple syrup flavored love bites by the boxful and eat unsweetened Greek yogurt in its place? I've lost my body, my normal lips, my sleep, smooth skin, regular clothes, my ankles, for Godssake, and now you're taking my last respite? My anchor? My cereal? It may be time for revolt.
I unfortunately leaked outside evidence proving the existence of my insane cereal addiction when I accidentally texted Elisabeth instead of Mat with a directive that he dare not come home without stopping at the grocery and getting me a box of Eggo cereal. Her response: 'Pregnancy has made you insane.' Tell me something I don't know, sister. She then gave me a recommendation for a workout video. Sigh.
I've got about 6 weeks left and I'm not quite sure where the rest of Noah is going to fit. I literally stick straight out. My maternity shirts don't cover my belly anymore, and dammit if I'm gonna buy any more preggo clothes! I suppose I do need that video.
It's amazing - this paradox of how quickly the time flies vs. the eternity your existence feels like when you've been carrying 30 pounds of extra weight. (What's also interesting is this paradox of me fighting my expanding torso by attacking it with cereal. But I digress.) Mat and I are excited, and I've slowly lost that sense of freaking-outness. Though we still haven't done a thing with the nursery....
Yeah, now that I think about it, I may still be lost in the bliss of denial.....
