My lovely friends and family gifted me a ton of great stuff that I have absolutely no idea how to use. Is it instinct? Cause I'm getting scared. Even the blanket comes with a diagram of swaddling instructions because if you don't do it correctly you may be setting your child up for all sorts of horrible wayward-blanket caused mishaps and maladies. It's terrifying that I will actually have to put a baby into this stuff.
If you haven't figured it out, I'm one of those people that hasn't spent a huge amount of time around kids, especially babies. I like kids. I think they're cute. I like it when they go home. I was never a babysitter, I've never been googly-eyed over chubby rolls of thigh. I love my girlfriends babies, but that still doesn't mean I know what to do with them. I got to Katya when she was already talking and potty-trained (thank god...for her sake.) I know that I want babies and that I will love my own like nothing else, but...how do they work?!?!
How do you button up a onesie on a wriggling newborn without breaking him? How the hell do you give that slippery little piggy a bath without dropping him on the floor? How do you get your boob to work so you don't starve them? I may be overthinking this.
I don't think so.
So now I've started on my mission of gathering "after you squeeze the baby out" books. Any advice would be helpful on this front. I will read everything ever written on how to care for an infant! And this will ensure that I will be the smartest mother alive! Or so my thinking goes. Though I know, deep down, that just like everything else, only experience can give me the kind of wisdom I seek. Sigh. At least maybe I can keep Borders in business.
While I was in Phoenix I had grand plans to treat myself to a spa day that never came to fruition. I'm seven months pregnant now, I feel like I deserve a treat! So I decided to do the next best thing and head to the Aveda store. I flippin' love this store because they have all these things they do to you to get you to buy their products. I tell my dad that I'm headed to the mall to poke around a bit - he's retired so I know he's most likely not otherwise engaged; I also know this is probably the least exciting thing To Do on his scant To Do list...but does he want to come? Bless his heart, he does, despite my pre-emptive warnings that really, I'm not on a mission. Because I know my dad will need a mission, will want to know specifically what the mission is. Why is it that dads always need a mission? I know I'm gonna do a lot of aimless browsing, a lot of smelling pretty things, and that it will involve a lot of indecision. None of these three things has my dad much tolerance for. But alas, we embark on our journey.
So, we get to the Aveda store after hitting up lunch and several other shops. Dad and I are having fun. I start smelling some things and the lovely male customer service person Gabriel begins to describe the plant essences and mineral vibrations and such that are in each product, and then asks me if I want a hand-cial. This, of course, is a facial on your hand, with all of their smelly products. Excellent! So I sit at the center table where my dad has been waiting, Gabriel offers us some Comforting Tea and we settle in. I can hear my dad sigh as the array of bottles is lined up.
After my hand-cial, I still can't decide if I want to buy something. So Gabriel, intuitive angel that he is, asks me if I would like an "Aveda Moment of Wellness" to help bring clarity to my decision. We are 30 minutes into our Aveda experience already, but that doesn't phase me because, yes, of course I want an Aveda Moment of Wellness, that is exactly why I came to the store and I was just waiting for him to ask! At this point my dad gets up quickly and says, well, if you're going to be here awhile I'll just keep walking around. Ok good. Now I don't have to feel bad thinking he's bored out of his mind while I take my clarity break.
Gabriel brings over the Chakra cards and lays them on the table and asks me to pick three that inspire me. He describes each one in loving detail and I pick, after which he then brings the Chakra Balancing Sprays over so I can "make a connection" with one of the three that I've chosen. At this point it's been about 5 minutes and my dad is already back. And I have not even selected my Chakra Spray for my Moment yet! So he sits back down next to me to wait. I choose the spray and so begins my Moment. I can practically hear my dad's eyeroll as Gabriel sprays the air ceremoniously with my Intention and Motivation Chakra Spray. "I'm massaging your aura now," Gabriel says as I feel his hands whooshing around my head and shoulders. I did need my aura, massaged, thank you very much. Big sigh and shifting in seat coming from dad's direction. Next Gabriel plied me with Blue Oil on my pulse points, which will get my body's vibrations in tune with the earth's universal vibrations or some such thing. Then he finished up with a shoulder and neck massage to release tension and allow my Prana to flow without hindrance. Ahhh. I look over at my dad who has been fidgeting uncomfortably throughout the entire Transcending experiencing and is about ready to either laugh in disbelief or yell at me in frustration. I can't tell which, but fortunately the moment did offer me clarity: time to go!
All in all dad was a good sport. I think he gave me a break because I'm pregnant and have apparently lost my mind. Though not as lost as the folks over at Aveda, I'm sure Pops is thinking...
Things I Miss:
1. Wine. I'm not a huge drinker, but I do miss partaking. No one warns you how detrimental it can be to see your closest friends and family become belligerent and bumbling in front of you as you sit sober as George W. Bush these days watching the spectacle. A) I didn't realize they were all such idiots. B) Even worse, I now realize I am also probably that big of an idiot when I drink too.
2. My thighs. My understanding was that pregnant women start to waddle because their hips are miraculously expanding to make way for the baby. How beautiful! No, that's not really it. They waddle because their thighs have grown so large in circumference that they rub together while walking and the friction is so intense a forest fire may erupt down there at any moment.
3. Going to the bathroom like a normal person. I suppose it's designed at this point to give you a trial run in what giving birth feels like.
4. Underwear that fit appropriately.
I'm 30 weeks along now and I think Mat finally realizes that a baby is in there. And will come out. As we enjoy these last few weeks of semi-sanity before Noah I will keep you updated!
