Party Time! (No, not really...)

I have a reason I have not posted in a while!  Really I do.  It appears that the last time I wrote, my body was getting ready to start making another baby.  And since then...my body has been exhausted by said baby making. (Not the funny-business kind of "baby-making."  Actual baby growing.)   I'm nauseated all the time, fall asleep on the couch no later than 8, and pretty much feel like crap!  (Please refer to the first three posts of this blog for more details.  It's a repeat, folks.)

One of the really great things about having your second baby though is that you nearly immediately have a full-on belly!  Yay for me.    Of course, it's still not the round cute little basketball looking belly.  It's just the belly that makes your pants not fit.  Although good thing for me I never quite grew out of wearing my maternity jeans!  (I just love that stretchy waistband...)  So, I just continue to wear the same stretchy pants I've been wearing for the past, oh  let's see, 18 months now, and I feel really good about that.

Some interesting facts: I will have been pregnant for two New Year's Eves in a row, two Valentine's Days and Super Bowls, and two birthdays!  Good times.  I'm telling you, come October, I will be a partying fool.  Babycakes should make his or her arrival sometime in September, I'll give my self a couple of weeks recoup, and then it's on like Donkey Kong.

So, yes, Noah will have a very close little sibling here soon.  Not sure how he'll feel about sharing me.  But I will say, he is a very independent little man.  He goes headstrong into every obstacle and adventure in his path.  Or is it head first?  Both, in this case I suppose.  But he is a tough cookie and as Grandma says, very advanced, very advanced.

He's crawling like a speed demon every where, and pulling himself up and cruising around.  His expanding palate now appreciates chunky stew, mashed bananas and apples, puffs, and our fine selection of wood furniture.  He has three sort of odd looking vampire teeth appearing up top, and the two little buck teeth down below.  He possesses a full head of man-like, thick luxurious hair, which is slightly strange but nevertheless adorable.  And he is working on getting to be 3 feet tall (32.5 inches and counting...)

He is still the happiest baby on the block, and has this amazing belly laugh that I can't get enough of. And boy can he sleep!  He's actually quite perfect.  Not that I'm biased.

And he's almost one.  Which makes me want to cry.  Pretty soon Daddy will start being the favorite and I'll get tossed aside. Sigh.  But until then I've got a leg up and I won't let it go to waste.

Time Keeps on Slippin....

It's been too long since i've written.  The short 15 word updates on Facebook trick me into thinking I'm actually keeping a record of Noah's life, but they are no substitute for sitting down and scratching it all out.

Pregnancy feels like it lasts forever, and then everything else speeds by so fast you don't have time to breathe.  I held Noah and looked in the mirror yesterday, and said to Mat, I can't believe this boy was wrapped up in my belly 7 months ago.  He now weighs 23 pounds, is 30 inches tall, and has so much hair styled in a comb over he looks like a miniature man.

He is gorgeous, vibrant, the life of the party.  He is quick to laugh and slow to lose patience.  One flash of that smile will win anyone over, and he uses it like a pro already.  

In 7 months he has learned to sit, stand, and say Dada.  He can grab little rice puffs and bring them to his mouth.  He belly laughs at his sister, and is starting to sing along (dadaaa, daaaada, daaada seems to be his favorite) to nursery rhyme songs.  He has two teeth and a big ol' belly.  Just this week he's been getting on his hands and knees and rocking back and forth, ready to launch.

The 7 months before that, he grew from a grain of rice into a full-fledged baby, with all the parts and pieces he would ever need to navigate this world.

The 7 months before that.  Hmmm.  Let's see.  I think I cleaned my closets and ordered a new pair of shoes.  The discrepancy of progress is quite staggering. The brute force of new life also is.

I've been packing Noah's old clothes away, his tiny, unimaginable onesies and overalls and sweaters worn once.  I can't wait to see what he looks like as a little boy; what he has to say when he can finally talk.  And yet the desire to hold his newborn body on my shoulder just once more is so strong it drives me to tears.

The only way I have to hold on is by doing this.  By bringing myself back, making note of the feelings, the steps, the small and big milestones that make up a life.  My memory is horrible, and so this I must do.  His future embarrassment by his mother depends on it.

  

Daddy's Little Man

I found this picture of Mat floating around the house and I just couldn't believe the resemblance.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm really Noah's mother.   My mom and sisters tried really hard to convince me that he looked like Steve...but I guess there's not much more to say about that.

Noah Dean is getting to be so big.  I can't believe he's now 6 months old.  The time really does fly by, and I think about how he was kicking me in the gut just a few months ago.

I got really lucky.  I have a sweetheart.  Smiley and sleeps through the night.  He really does love his Mommy.

Yes, He's Really Only Four Months Old.

I once knew a baby that I lovingly referred to as "Monster Baby." This baby had beautiful blond hair, deep blue eyes, and was HUGE. I mean MONSTROUS. Hence the name. Every time I saw this baby, I couldn't believe the largess. Taller than any other baby. Gargantuan thighs. Chunky Monkey. This baby has now grown into a lovely, gorgeous, regular-sized child, and I deduce that that was just a stage.

 I now am the parent of my very own Monster Baby. The Bean is growing like a beanstalk; they know me in the kids section of Target as I venture every week to purchase ever-larger sizes for my son. He currently wears 9 month onsies. At 4 months. At his appointment last week, he measured nearly 28 inches, which apparently is off the charts in the percentile ranking. His weight, at 16.5 lbs, falls into the 75th percentile. So does his head measurement, of which I can't quite figure out the purpose except to let us know that he either has a really big brain (yay!) or an abnormally large noggin for his age (boo.) I'm sticking with the brain thing. (Side note: if they measured ears, I'm sure that Noah's would be record-breaking as well. I've never seen flaps like these. Except in his Daddy's baby pictures. They are adult sized. Adult elephant, that is. And don't you ever tell him I said that.)

 Back to his weight. The lower ranking is fortunate, I suppose, in that he is not superfat. Just really, really long. But as his thighs expand in circumference, multiplying their rolls, I am left to wonder how much longer we can keep this up. The purchasing of luxury-priced baby formula is what I'm talking about. Because, of course, my son can't just stick with the Gerber or whatever. He must eat the super super sensitive allergy tummy formula stuff, that costs about $100 every week. Holy sham, Batman. This year could've bought me two Gucci bags with that payout. I guess I should be thankful, because if I had been able to breast feed my boobs probably would have petered out into potato sacks by this point.

 This week also marked my first ever up the back diaper blowout. I guess I should be grateful it took this long. But as if it could get any more cliche, I ran out of wipes right in the middle of the fiasco. There was poo everywhere - under my fingernails, in my hair, in his hair, my forearm, my chest, his face, his changing table cover and then table after I took the cover off, etc etc etc. Grody. When do these start getting firm?

 On a lighter note, he also started laughing last week. We can't figure out the key yet to get him to do it on cue, although it seems to have to involve his sister acting like a few screws are loose. But having babies that eat too much and bankrupt you and then poo all over you to rub it in, well, the laughing makes it all worth it. I can't stand it when he laughs, it is really too cute for words to even explain. Though if you have kids, I'm sure you know just what I'm talking about.

Why I Chose Homebirth Part I

I started my venture into homebirth really just with a desire for a little more care and compassion from my medical team. The thought of having a natural childbirth, let alone a homebirth, had never even crossed my mind after I found out I was pregnant, until...

I became less and less impressed by my medical care from my OB/GYN. I suppose at the beginning I thought I wanted my doctor to just "take care of everything" for me. And you know, they are happy to oblige. In fact, I'd venture to say that many OB/GYNs appreciate you letting them be the expert and just tell you what to do. This was summed up by doctor at my final visit to her when I asked her about the childbirth classes. She said, you know, go ahead and take it if you want to. But once you're in labor and get to the hospital the nurses will just show you what to do.

I don't blame them for this attitude. Women, and society, encourage doctors to be the experts so that we don't have to go to the trouble of actually figuring this stuff out ourselves. They play perfectly into the role that we ourselves have set them up to play. "Just let the doctor handle it." After all, we've turned over our births to hospitals and medical care for the last 80 years. But think about that statement for a moment. It's only been in the last 80 years that medical care has created longevity for the human race. And granted, medical advancements deserve their kudos for sure. Because we can do C-sections and have neo-natal care, women and babies who have experienced true, dire emergencies have survived. But humans have been giving birth for over 100,000 years! Birth is not a 'medical event' like other maladies that plague us.

However, it is now treated like one. And you fall right into to the overworked insurance driven assembly line. This was my body, my child, my first pregnancy though! At least pretend like you care! But when I had to chase my doctor down the hallway to ask for my blood test results, and she responded with ‘well if there was anything wrong I would have obviously told you,’ I was over it.

But, the argument goes, `medicine makes our lives better.' And there is no denying that it does. Take cancer for instance. Up until recently, people died often and painfully from cancer and there was nothing we could do about it. Now, cancer treatment saves many lives. But therein lies the difference: up until recently, most women gave birth extremely successfully without medical intervention. Now, we still give birth successfully, but we expose our bodies and our babies to all sorts of interventions that most of us don't need. For thousands of years, cancer treatments weren't very successful, and now they are so much better. But births have always been pretty darn successful, when nature was just left to take its course, and yet now we allow medicine to intervene and end up exposing ourselves to more risk - of surgery, of infection.

But why experience all that pain when you just don't have to anymore? Because for most women who choose to birth naturally, and especially who choose home birth, its not about the pain. In fact, that plays little into the decision. The fact is, when you choose to have more personal, detailed, and intimate care through a midwife, you automatically choose childbirth without pain medication. The two go hand in hand. I’m not a martyr for pain and I didn’t explore this choice to prove to everyone how brave and strong I am. But I wanted a more intimate pregnancy and birth care experience and for that you sign up for natural childbirth.

Choosing your care with a midwife is about the ability to control the environment in which you have an extremely emotional and personal, life-changing event. For me, being laid out flat on my back for hours without feeling my legs seemed worse than labor pains. Having an IV and an epidural and a fetal monitor and a catheter attached to me for hours seemed worse than feeling everything but being able to pee, walk around and eat when I choose.

Home births for low risk women are just as safe and successful as hospitals births. There is plenty of data out there that has shown this to be true. And an argument can be made that home births are actually safer, because they don't introduce a bunch of medical interventions that could have side effects and risks associated with them.

SO, back to my OB/GYN. Didn't I WANT my doctor and the nurses to just take care of things? Well...no. My lack of knowledge was starting to instill fear in me and now I want some answers. I kinda want to know what's happening beforehand! I AM that kind of person. Some people aren't, and I can understand. But I've never been one to just turn my body over to the medical establishment. I want to know what they are doing to me. What the risks are. What my choices are. And so far, me and my OB/GYN have not discussed any of that. In fact, we haven't talked about choices at all. It's as if, because I'm seeing her, I'm already on track to go full on with IVs, Pitocin, epidurals and laying flat on my back for hours. It's as if I've already consented to them doing whatever they decide to do for intervention, including breaking my water, drugs, and C-Section. Now, maybe someday I will need these things. But at this point I haven't even been given information on how this could alternately go. I know enough women who have birthed naturally to know that there is not one way only to do this.

After I voiced my concerns on my blog, I heard from my cousin Shannon. She has birthed naturally and gave me some great resources. So I started reading. I started informing myself. I will tell you that I'm not going to get up on a soapbox and now declare that birthing naturally is the 'BEST' way, the way you should do it, the way every woman should do it. The birthing process is very personal and each woman must decide what is important to them. If you feel safer bringing a newborn into this world at a hospital (and I totally get this) then that is what will make your birth experience go that much smoother and go for it, sister. What I will preach, as loud as anyone can hear, is that each woman has the right to be informed and to know facts and all of the choices before going through one of the biggest moments, one of the most important rites of passage of her life.

So let me tell you what I didn't know. What my doctor didn't tell me.

1. The C-Section rate is at an all-time high, around 33% in the USA. At the higher-income hospital that I was going to attend, its at about 45% (Higher income = better insurance. Get it?) In 1965, the rate was 4.5%. The rate was 50% lower in the 1990's. This is nearly twice as high as France's rate. The World Health Organization recommends a rate between 5-15%.
2. More babies in the USA are born Monday through Friday between 9 and 5 than on weekends or evening hours.
3. Despite spending the most in the world on health care, the U.S. has the second worst newborn mortality rate of the industrialized world.
4. The U.S. also has nearly the highest maternal mortality rate of the industrialized world.

There are a lot of factors that contribute to each of these statistics, and I'm not going to start throwing around conspiracy theories. What it does tell me is that the maternity industry is in serious need of some accountability and oversight.

What I've also discovered:

1. In European nations nearly 80% of births are carried out wiht the assistance of a midwife. (Less c-section, lower mortality rates...hmmm.)

2. In the U.S. it's less than 5%.

3. Midwives use less intervention overall, and nearly every study has shown that less intervention on average equals healthier babies and mothers.

4. Midwives do not have increased complication rates or death rates (despite general public opinion that this is a 'less safe' way to deliver) compared to hospitals in reference to low-risk women. They have lower rates.

So here's what else. The cycle of intervention seems to go like this: you get to the hospital and take up a bed. Often you arrive too soon, in very early labor, especially first time mothers, because you just don’t know how this works. The hospitals have money to make (C-sections are the most performed major surgery and a huge money maker for hospitals - and they have beds to turnover), your doctor has a family to go home to at night, so let's get this show on the road!

You are set up on an IV and given some Pitocin to start things moving, because early labor moves just too slowly for the modern medical establishment. You're also hooked to an Electronic Fetal Monitor that prohibits normal movements. You start laying around on your back, which is the worst position to be in for your baby and for you while you are in labor. (But its great for your medical team, makes monitoring you nice and easy.) Pitocin causes stronger than normal contractions, which hurt you and make your baby uncomfortable. Epidural!! Yes, that takes care of the increased pain (that your body is now not equipped to handle naturally) but it slows down contractions. You can't walk around (which promotes labor progress and pain relief) So...more Pitocin! Now your uterus is contracting like crazy and your baby is starting to get a little peeved and quite possibly has decreased oxygen intake. Unless he gets out fast, his heartrate starts to falter, and as soon as that happens the doctors start talking C-section. They have a lot less liability taking the process out of your hands at this point and doing surgery that they've done a million times before. Plus, it's quicker and more profitable.

Don't get me wrong here. My mother had an emergency C-section, my friends have had them. I am not suggesting that in some cases these aren't totally necessary. But with a C-section rate that is twice as high as the WHO recommended rate, something is amiss. C-sections are major abdominal surgery. In my homebirth group in smalltown rural PA, one woman’s baby was sliced during a C-section, and one woman had an infection from a botched epidural before a C-section that kept her in the hospital for 6 months. (Why do you think they chose homebirth for their next babies?!) Those aren’t awesome odds. And from what I've researched so far, it starts with the beginning intervention. This is not something that my doctor talked to me about.

So apart from rare complications, what’s the big deal? You get your baby out, you go on your merry way, why does it matter how exactly it happens? To some people it doesn't. The end result - a healthy baby - is all that matters and the rest is just a means to get there. And that is any woman's right and choice to feel that way. For me, no matter how you slice it this is the first bonding experience I'll have with my child. A child's birth is something you always remember, and it is a rite of passage. And I want to know, at the least, how this process has gotten so far askew from the way women used to do it. For thousands of years. As far as that end result - the healthy baby - we don't yet know all of the complications that these drugs can have on our bodies and our children's bodies.

Medicine continues to evolve, and doctors continue to try new and improved ways to get this inherently natural process done. As late as the 90's a drug called Cytotec was used to induce labor in women who had previously had C-Sections. This drug caused ruptured uteruses and an epidemic of stillbirths. It is now used in abortion procedures instead. That was in the 90s!!

Also, some very interesting research is coming to light (see Michel Odent, MD) on mothers' naturally produced "love hormones" like oxytocin. Oxytocin is secreted during labor to induce contractions and it also performs a host of other functions. The synthetic version, Pitocin, does not have the same characteristics and reduces the amount the mother produces naturally. Research is suggesting that medical intervention is also intervening in the transfer of these hormones during critical moments between a mother and her newborn, potentially affecting immediate bonding and also potentially affecting the foundational groundwork for the infant's capacity for loving relationships later in her lifetime. This is crazy stuff!!

Who knows where all of this research will lead. My point in all of this is that when we mess with the natural order of things in the name of progress, convenience or comfort, we don't always know where we'll end up. The hormones in our food are now being linked to premature menstruation in girls. High fructose corn syrup is linked to an obesity epidemic and diabetes. The chemicals in our cleaners, plastics, and food is linked to alarming rates of cancer. Things we were told were safe we are questioning now. We're talking major shifts in our health despite all of our "progress." We have a right to be informed before we make choices.

I started off on this journey not remembering a damn thing from my sex-ed classes and not knowing at all how this pregnancy thing worked. I thought I'd just go into labor at the hospital and be done with it. But my lack of knowledge instilled fear in me, and I needed to know more. And I feel so much better for searching for answers. I'm not a martyr for pain, I'm not a hippy living on a commune. I'm not looking for a medal for choosing to go natural - and as was pointed out to me by my girlfriend no one issues these medals anyway. But I did want to know what was going to happen to me and my baby. And that's what all women have the right to know too.

Fortunately for me my labor progressed fairly quickly and uneventfully. It was extraordinarily painful, more than one can ever anticipate. And believe me, if I had been offered pain medication while in the throes of this experience that was so excruciating I was passing about between contractions, I would have said Hell Yes!! But as soon as it was over, I lay on my own bed, with my husband beside me and my baby on me and breathed a big sigh of relief. The pain was done. It was just joy. I looked out my own window. My midwives waited on us for hours afterwards, brought us food and drinks and cold washcloths. They did some laundry. And they came back every day for the next 3 days.

And as I wrote before, after a few days I realized that I was not successfully breastfeeding. My body just wouldn’t produce enough milk, and so I had to turn to formula. I really wanted to breastfeed, and as you might imagine it is heavily promoted in the natural childbirthing community. But my body just wouldn’t cooperate. No matter how hard you try, some things just do not go as planned. My birth could have been the same way, and my next one could go totally awry. You just never know. But you do your best to make informed choices, and then you let the rest up to God. And you let go.

I urge everyone to watch The Business of Being Born which is eye-opening if nothing else. It is probably the most unbiased documentary on modern childbirth and illustrates all choices.

Also look at The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth for an in-depth and fully supported discussion on the interventions used during a hospital birth.

Read Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care

Tummyaches, Tail-less Cats and Tooth Fairies

Thank God for the internet! What did moms do in the 20th century to diagnose all their babies' maladies? Rely on doctors? Pshht. I've now been able to attribute Noah's whimpering to GERD, silent acid reflux, tracheamalacia and laryngomalacia. His baby acne and cradle cap may now be a sign of serious eczema. He may need twenty nine prescriptions and years of therapy. Of course, I may need to run this all by my doctor first just to make sure she concurs. But I feel like the Babycenter.com blogs have given me all the answers I need.

Well, that was until my sitter came over. She's in her 50's and has been a nanny for many years. And she's becoming a doula, so she offered up her services to me for free for a couple of mornings. She fed Noah and I said "See, you hear that!! His windpipes are rattling!" And she looked at me strangely and said, no, I think that's pretty normal. It's called 'breathing.' "But he hasn't pooped in, like, a day!" And she said, poops change. No need to worry. "But he spits up sometimes, and gets cranky, and, well, he has GAS!" Yes, she said. What you've just described is a newborn.

"But...but...." Val, she said, you need to relax. He seems really happy and healthy to me.

Sigh.

Being a new mom is really hard. (I can hear all you seasoned pros rolling your eyes right now.) But when you haven't spent much time around babies, having a new one suddenly pop into your life - I'm HEEERE! DO something with me! - can be challenging. I have no point of reference by which to compare all of Noah's behaviors. In fact, I was going to call them 'quirks' just now, but I have no flippin clue if they are even quirks!

I feel really helpless and clueless right now. Couple that with lack of sleep, I've become a desperate neurotic. I've changed his formula 5 times now. (Side note - I'm not breastfeeding, to my despair and heartbreak. Remember when I was complaining during pregnancy that my boobs weren't getting any bigger? Seems that was a sign I should've brought to the attention of my caregivers. After I delivered, boobs still didn't get bigger. No milk for Noah, which I didn't realize until 3 days into his life (did I say 'clueless?') when he became extremely dehydrated and we had to rush him to the doctor and start him on formula. Big sigh. ) I give him Mylicon and Gripe Water every time he toots. I've physically examined his poop with my fingers and then compared it to photos I found online.

He doesn't sleep enough, except on the days when I think he may be sick because he's sleeping too long. He likes his pacifier, except 50% of the time when he acts like I dipped it in acid before insertion. He grunts, he groans, he strains, he kicks. He poops three times in one day and then none the next. He can eat 8 oz in feeding after feeding and then not eat for 7 hours straight.

I need some sanity!

Yes, it's been a challenging week. It actually started with an innocent trip to Costco. Mat, Katya, Noah and I all pile into the car to hit the megastore on Sunday. Big mistake, because unless you have been living under a rock you know that Sunday is Sample Day! There are about one million people at Costco. And their germs. All crowding around the ends of the rows to wait for twenty minutes to get a teaspoon of tapioca pudding. Katya can't sit still so she is running around, in front of and into other people's carts. She finally decides to crawl under the cart to ride on the flat part beneath the basket. This is a bad idea, as you can imagine, and I express as much to Mat who says, 'well, if she gets hurt it's her own damn fault,' because we've told her several times not to do it.

Do you ever watch Tosh.0 and his "Guess What Happens Next!" segments? Let's play that.

Guess what happens next? That's right, Katya gets hurt. Her hair, while dragging on the ground, gets caught underneath a wheel of the shopping cart. She starts screaming, which is not a balm on my nerves if you can believe it. She ends up fine, scared but not scarred, and we finally finish up the harrowing journey with our pack of 147 razors and 55 cans of shaving cream. Which were well worth it.

Oh, and the day gets even better.

We head home and start unloading groceries. Mat's got his hands full as he walks in the door, and he sees our cat, Butter, do just what you'd expect any sane cat to do after having been sequestered in a house with Coco. Butter bolts for the door. Now, Butter's done this a million times, and though he goes Mach 10 getting out the door, he doesn't actually go anywhere. He sits on the front porch and pretends he's an alleycat. But even though we know this, we always try to keep him away from the door because we are scared that one day he might find out that life is better on the outside.

So anyway, as Mat sees Butter bolt for the door....Guess what happens next?

That's right. Mat slams the door hard with his foot to keep Butter inside. However, all Mat managed to do was to keep half of Butter's tail inside. Mat drops all the groceries and yells and I come running. Remnants of Butter stick to the door and frame. As you can imagine, his tail is pretty beat up - not severed but nearly. Mat runs him to the vet - remember of course that this is a Sunday and the normal (i.e. less expensive) vet is closed so he has to go to the emergency 24-hour (i.e. mortgage your home to pay for) vet. Four hours later he trudges back and informs the family that Butter will be returning to us minus an appendage, and Mat will be returning minus $1500.

Then we had our rough week at home. Fussy, fussy, fussy, cry, cry cry, etc of which I've explained above and in our last post.

The week ended with a barbeque and corn on the cob, the latter which dislodged Katya's first baby tooth. She was so excited, she's been talking for months about how all the kids in her class have been losing teeth and peer pressuring her to lose hers. So yay!! The Tooth Fairy is coming!!

Except....well, Guess what happened next?

That's right. The Tooth Fairy, in his exhausted state, fell asleep and forgot to visit Katya's pillow. And I thought Noah's crying was unbearable. Katya's up at 5:30 am and bawling in our bedroom. "The tooth fairy never came! And now I lost my tooth and she's never coming!" Seems in her state of distress she grabbed the tooth from under her pillow but then dropped it somewhere on the floor and couldn't find it. Cue Daddy. I send him up with a dollar bill (what's the going rate for baby teeth anyway?) and we concoct a devious plan to try to save this child from a traumatic memory.

Mat sees his chance when Katya goes to the bathroom. He can't find her tooth anywhere either, so the Tooth Fairy quickly places the dollar under a stray pillow and hatches his plot. Katya comes back in and he tells her to keep looking under her pillows. Yay! The Tooth Fairy must have come while she was in the bathroom!! (And then, "Is that all?" she says looking at the dollar bill.) She runs downstairs reenergized. And we all now can carry on with our day.

The thought never crossed Katya's mind, of course, that there may be a correllation between Mat's appearance in her bedroom and the 'Tooth Fairy' miraculously visiting at the same time. Kids - you can tell 'em anything!

It's a Journey...

We've now officially left happy Newbornland and have entered the slums of Betsville.

You know happy Newbornland! Your baby is so cute, so smushy, and even though you haven't slept since you were pregnant, you don't care. Cause you're happy you're not pregnant anymore, and you're so happy to see you new lil munchkin, and he sleeps for 22 hours a day in your arms, in the car, at a restaurant. Hell he'd probably sleep through a Lady Gaga concert. And people send you things, and bring you dinner, and visit and help and all is right with the world. I mean, did you see my last post? I was blabbering about freakin' flowers blooming and fuzzy ducklings!

And then its four weeks later. No one cooks dinners for you anymore. Everyone goes back to their own lives. And you're left with your child. Yet, it's not the same child, it seems. This one is a dandruffy, pimply-faced mutant with weird hair. He's decided not to sleep anymore. Ever again. And if you try to make him he will cry in your face with his newly discovered windpipes. Oh, and you better watch out cause he will pee and poop on you too, just to prove his point.

Ah, yes. The slums of Betsville. This is where the laundry sits mildewing in the washer for days, having been long forgotten until the last spit-up-free onsie is desperately needed but can't be had because it has grown mold. This is where crusty dishes pile up night after night. Half eaten bowls of cereal sit curdling on the table because you were interrupted mid-bite and never would return. Come on! This is my cereal time - is nothing sacred?! A cup of coffee spilt as you tried to constrain the flailing limbs of your baby congeals under the side table, never having seen a paper towel. Used bottles and baby-care books (useless, btw) and dirty diapers lay strewn about. And you smell and look like a homeless person. Spit-up spots your t-shirt and crusts in your hair. Your teeth have film. Your fingernails are ragged, your legs unshaven, and your underwear unchanged for who knows how long. And yet, having existed on only 3 broken hours of sleep a day for the past four weeks, you are so disoriented you don't give a shit!

This gets funner, right?

You are counting down the days until your child will start to sleep through the night. Your husband is counting down the days until he can "be intimate" with you. He's imagining role play. Ok. Let's role play. You tell him to imagine himself as a woman with torn privates, a handful of itchy stitches holding together said privates, and a plethora of screaming hemorrhoids who exists on 3 broken hours of sleep a night. Wanna do it?

Things will get better. I'm sure of it. I mean, I've got friends with kids who actually smile once in awhile. Can't wait.

Ahh, Spring Is In the Air

Springtime. It's a great time for babies, don't you think? I was driving through my neighborhood rejoicing in all the greenery that has finally sprouted, and passed by the pond near our house. The geese have made fuzzy little goslings, and a whole family was hanging out near the water. It was one of those moments that just makes you smile, and I wanted to roll down the window and shout to them, "I have one of those too!!"

Babies are such a miracle. My miracle happened on Easter Sunday, when Noah came out of my body (finally!) and into the world. Noah Dean Bets was born at 2:12 pm on April 24th, 2011 at 7 lbs 14 ounces.

I gave birth to Noah at home, with the assistance of my very experienced midwives Kate and Jill and my awesome husband. I'll get into why I chose homebirth in a future post, but I will tell you that it was the most intense experience I will probably ever have in my life.

My labor started around 2:30 am when my water broke, which woke me up from a strange dream where I was flying through space admiring the constellations. No word yet on what that all means, but in any event I was startled and thought I had lost control of my bladder. Again. (Please see previous posts on this unfortunate circumstance of pregnancy.) I called my midwife and she told me that I probably did lose my water, and my contractions should start getting more intense. Try to sleep, she said. Sure! I replied, rolling my eyes.

Mat and I got up and tried to watch a movie and sure enough, contractions got stronger. Kate arrived at the house around 9:30 am, and when she checked me an hour later I was 7 cm dilated and ready to get the show on the road.

Did I already say that this was the most intense experience of my life? I loved that I could walk around my own home, lay in my own bed, choose whatever position I wanted to be in that felt, well, less uncomfortable than the other positions. But natural childbirth is...intense. There's that word again! My contractions were so strong and exhausting that as I worked through the transition stage into pushing, I was literally falling asleep between each one. Mat tried to joke with me, but I was in such a zone I just ignored him and concentrated. I've never felt so primal, so animalistic, so feminine, and like such a wild woman as I did while I gave birth to my son in my bedroom while Mat held me up. My screams echoed through the neighborhood, and I'm sure someone thought I was being murdered in there.

But I did it. Noah came out with his hand up by his head - not awesome for me but it seems to be his natural tendency. He was perfect in every way, and as I held the newly born him, my body still coursing with adrenaline and drenched in sweat, I lay back on my bed and sighed. Yes, I did it.

Letting Go

Life is rushing at me at high velocity these days. With just about 3 weeks to go, the truth is settling in that life will forevermore not be the same. I was emotional yesterday, and I think I just figured out why. I think I'm mourning the end of my pregnancy.

Obviously the point of all of this is the get a kid out at the other end. But (despite all my griping to the contrary) I've actually loved being pregnant for the most part. The first three months, meh. But since then it's been such a thought-provoking, conscious-expanding, life-changing event. I just sit in amazement at what a female body can do to make life happen. I watch my belly grow, I feel Noah move around in there, all safe and warm. I dream about what he'll look like, his fun personality, how great being a new mom will be, and I get to make everything perfect in my dreams.

For 9 months this process takes over and you get to make all the decisions. You can protect and shield him from everything (well, almost everything. I'll get to that in a minute.) Then the little guy comes out of your protective bubble and the universe gets a hold of him. And apparently all hell breaks loose at that point, since from the moment he's born he will begin his quest for autonomy and individuality. And from the moment he's born it becomes inevitable that dreams and reality will start to contradict each other. I have control over my dreams! Reality - not so much.

The scariness of reality hit me head on last week at my last appointment. Because, yes, despite having convinced myself that I am in control, I have come to realize this is an illusion too. There's a moment at my appointments, right before I hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, that my own heart stops. It's a split second of crossing my fingers in my head and thinking 'please let him still be alive in there.' And then you hear the little tap tap tap and you breathe and think, how stupid, of course he's still in there all warm and snuggly and happy.

Well, at my last appointment that didn't happen. It took three attempts to hear his heartbeat at all. And once we did, it was crazy, abnormally slow. Even I, as a layperson, could tell that it was freakishly sluggish. All of my insides tensed up. 'This is it.' I thought to myself. 'I knew something bad was going to happen.' Maybe it's just me, but with this first pregnancy I've felt sort of like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That in the end, it will be just as I expected. Things won't go right. Things will go wrong. I'm not meant to have a happy, healthy baby because I can't still yet imagine my life with him - Noah, the actual person - in it.

We jiggled him him a bit to stimulate him and then she checked again. Ah.....there it was. Heartbeat fast, loud and clear! I sighed with relief. And started crying. I made her check it 3 more times just to be sure. And then I decided to go for a non-stress test later that day, to a monitor to check his movements and ensure his heartbeat was 'on track.' And he was perfect. All is well. So, what happened before?

The fact is that I'll never know. Maybe he rolled over on his cord for a minute. Maybe we picked up my heartbeat instead of his. The reality of it is that I can't know what happened and that means I can't prevent it from happening again. I really DON'T have control. And it was my first lesson (of many, I'm sure) in letting go.

The universe, or God, or whatever higher power you believe in, has a way of letting you know that ultimately, it's not up to you. In this tiny little speck of time I'm here on this tiny little speck of dirt called Earth, all I can do is my best, and then turn it over to faith.

It's always had a plan, this universe of ours, and though we can't know what the ultimate plan is, it works with extreme efficiency. Every atom has a purpose, being used over and over, to create, to be destroyed, and then to recreate oceans, landscapes, animals, people. Noah is made up of carbon, hydrogen, oxygen atoms, and those atoms were first in my body. Those atoms came from the food I ate, and the milk I drank, which came from the cow, which came from the grass, which came from the soil and raindrops that originated maybe over the Mediterranean sea. And those atoms maybe once made up a dinosaur, or an ancient tree, or ash from a long-now extinct volcano. And those volcano atoms came from the center of the earth, and originally from some long ago explosion that spontaneously started this whole circus to begin with.

The exact same atoms that make up my son have been recycled throughout time, over and over again from the very beginning. How interesting it would be if we could follow the journey of an atom over time! And someday they will be recycled again, into the earth to turn into something else. On one hand, it makes me feel very, very insignificant. But on the other, I imagine the soul, or spirit, or energy of each and every thing these atoms have been a part of leaving an imprint on it, and I feel so connected to the world, to everything in it. A part of the plan.

We do our best, and leave the rest to follow a path that we don't know or understand, one that involves us but one in which we have no input. We all have to do this. Nobody is more special, nobody has more power in this fateful journey.

It reminds me of the Serenity prayer that my mom used to have on the windowsill in our kitchen. I've always loved these words.

God grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.

Revolt

I'm officially fat. There is no question now. At my checkup yesterday, the reaction was "Whoa! You've had a growth spurt!" Uh, yeah. It seems that my belly has grown 5 cm since my last appointment two weeks ago. Compare this to an average 1 to 2 cm of belly expansion, and you understand why Mat actually thought he saw my midsection grow before his eyes over the weekend. These pics, by the way, are from two weeks ago pre-explosion. So take my belly, add 5 cm straight out, throw in a green shirt that doesn't fit anymore, and you get the true picture.

Along with this rapid expansion of real estate, I've had the joy of experiencing the other fun add-ons that happen at this stage of pregnancy:

1. Swollen feet. Yes, we all know this happens. But when it first happens to you, it can be shocking. (How many times have I said that over the past 8 months?) Of course I freaked out and called it in. One day, all of a sudden, my ankles swelled to about 4 times their normal size. I thought I broke something in there. Nope, just my newly acquired cankles saying hi.

2. Jowls. Ahh, aren't these fun? I thought I might have escaped this unfortunate side effect. That'd be a big (fat) no.

3. Big lips. Yes, I had big lips before I became pregnant. But for some reason, maybe its the circumference expansion of my head in general, my lips are huge! I can feel them flapping when I talk. I'm not making that up.

4. Strange hair. This complaint can be broken down into two distinct, but equally offensive, parts.

Part A: Random chin hairs. My sister lovingly pointed out to me while she was in town that in certain non-flattering light, you can see long hairs growing out of my face. I tried to call her bluff, but lo and behold as I looked a certain way in the mirror the light caught the behemoth 2 inch blond hair sticking out of my chin. I assume he wasn't the first or last.

Part B: awkward head hair. By this I mean, something strange is brewing in my scalp or something. After giving up in frustration the idea of getting a decent hair do in the area, I tried to color my hair myself. Now, I'm not a newbie at this; I used to color my hair a really great platinum for a time and never had a problem. But during this fateful application, I turned my hair orange. Coco looked like my long lost twin. Apparently pregnancy wreaks havoc on your hair chemistry, and I got to see it illustrated first hand! It was truly an awesome color. From what I could see through my tears.

5. Cellulite. But not your normal cellulite that you find on your thighs and butt. This is cellulite in weird places - arms, sides of my back, my calves. What is the point of this? I mean really. What biological purpose does this serve in growing a baby? And can someone please tell me that this goes away?! ....Anyone...?

I've been told, in no uncertain terms, that if I want to have a normal size baby squeeze out of my pie hole I need to lay off of the midnight Eggo cereal consumption and 'find a healthy snack alternative instead.' So, let me get this straight. You're telling me to stop consuming golden maple syrup flavored love bites by the boxful and eat unsweetened Greek yogurt in its place? I've lost my body, my normal lips, my sleep, smooth skin, regular clothes, my ankles, for Godssake, and now you're taking my last respite? My anchor? My cereal? It may be time for revolt.

I unfortunately leaked outside evidence proving the existence of my insane cereal addiction when I accidentally texted Elisabeth instead of Mat with a directive that he dare not come home without stopping at the grocery and getting me a box of Eggo cereal. Her response: 'Pregnancy has made you insane.' Tell me something I don't know, sister. She then gave me a recommendation for a workout video. Sigh.

I've got about 6 weeks left and I'm not quite sure where the rest of Noah is going to fit. I literally stick straight out. My maternity shirts don't cover my belly anymore, and dammit if I'm gonna buy any more preggo clothes! I suppose I do need that video.

It's amazing - this paradox of how quickly the time flies vs. the eternity your existence feels like when you've been carrying 30 pounds of extra weight. (What's also interesting is this paradox of me fighting my expanding torso by attacking it with cereal. But I digress.) Mat and I are excited, and I've slowly lost that sense of freaking-outness. Though we still haven't done a thing with the nursery....

Yeah, now that I think about it, I may still be lost in the bliss of denial.....

Give Me a 'Moment'

One baby shower down and one to go! I was recently in Phoenix where Janet and my mom hosted a big shindig for me and Noah. It was awesome, and I have to give props to my Aunt Shel, Uncle Kim and cousins for their contributions as well. I'm so lucky!

My lovely friends and family gifted me a ton of great stuff that I have absolutely no idea how to use. Is it instinct? Cause I'm getting scared. Even the blanket comes with a diagram of swaddling instructions because if you don't do it correctly you may be setting your child up for all sorts of horrible wayward-blanket caused mishaps and maladies. It's terrifying that I will actually have to put a baby into this stuff.

If you haven't figured it out, I'm one of those people that hasn't spent a huge amount of time around kids, especially babies. I like kids. I think they're cute. I like it when they go home. I was never a babysitter, I've never been googly-eyed over chubby rolls of thigh. I love my girlfriends babies, but that still doesn't mean I know what to do with them. I got to Katya when she was already talking and potty-trained (thank god...for her sake.) I know that I want babies and that I will love my own like nothing else, but...how do they work?!?!

How do you button up a onesie on a wriggling newborn without breaking him? How the hell do you give that slippery little piggy a bath without dropping him on the floor? How do you get your boob to work so you don't starve them? I may be overthinking this.

I don't think so.

So now I've started on my mission of gathering "after you squeeze the baby out" books. Any advice would be helpful on this front. I will read everything ever written on how to care for an infant! And this will ensure that I will be the smartest mother alive! Or so my thinking goes. Though I know, deep down, that just like everything else, only experience can give me the kind of wisdom I seek. Sigh. At least maybe I can keep Borders in business.

While I was in Phoenix I had grand plans to treat myself to a spa day that never came to fruition. I'm seven months pregnant now, I feel like I deserve a treat! So I decided to do the next best thing and head to the Aveda store. I flippin' love this store because they have all these things they do to you to get you to buy their products. I tell my dad that I'm headed to the mall to poke around a bit - he's retired so I know he's most likely not otherwise engaged; I also know this is probably the least exciting thing To Do on his scant To Do list...but does he want to come? Bless his heart, he does, despite my pre-emptive warnings that really, I'm not on a mission. Because I know my dad will need a mission, will want to know specifically what the mission is. Why is it that dads always need a mission? I know I'm gonna do a lot of aimless browsing, a lot of smelling pretty things, and that it will involve a lot of indecision. None of these three things has my dad much tolerance for. But alas, we embark on our journey.

So, we get to the Aveda store after hitting up lunch and several other shops. Dad and I are having fun. I start smelling some things and the lovely male customer service person Gabriel begins to describe the plant essences and mineral vibrations and such that are in each product, and then asks me if I want a hand-cial. This, of course, is a facial on your hand, with all of their smelly products. Excellent! So I sit at the center table where my dad has been waiting, Gabriel offers us some Comforting Tea and we settle in. I can hear my dad sigh as the array of bottles is lined up.

After my hand-cial, I still can't decide if I want to buy something. So Gabriel, intuitive angel that he is, asks me if I would like an "Aveda Moment of Wellness" to help bring clarity to my decision. We are 30 minutes into our Aveda experience already, but that doesn't phase me because, yes, of course I want an Aveda Moment of Wellness, that is exactly why I came to the store and I was just waiting for him to ask! At this point my dad gets up quickly and says, well, if you're going to be here awhile I'll just keep walking around. Ok good. Now I don't have to feel bad thinking he's bored out of his mind while I take my clarity break.

Gabriel brings over the Chakra cards and lays them on the table and asks me to pick three that inspire me. He describes each one in loving detail and I pick, after which he then brings the Chakra Balancing Sprays over so I can "make a connection" with one of the three that I've chosen. At this point it's been about 5 minutes and my dad is already back. And I have not even selected my Chakra Spray for my Moment yet! So he sits back down next to me to wait. I choose the spray and so begins my Moment. I can practically hear my dad's eyeroll as Gabriel sprays the air ceremoniously with my Intention and Motivation Chakra Spray. "I'm massaging your aura now," Gabriel says as I feel his hands whooshing around my head and shoulders. I did need my aura, massaged, thank you very much. Big sigh and shifting in seat coming from dad's direction. Next Gabriel plied me with Blue Oil on my pulse points, which will get my body's vibrations in tune with the earth's universal vibrations or some such thing. Then he finished up with a shoulder and neck massage to release tension and allow my Prana to flow without hindrance. Ahhh. I look over at my dad who has been fidgeting uncomfortably throughout the entire Transcending experiencing and is about ready to either laugh in disbelief or yell at me in frustration. I can't tell which, but fortunately the moment did offer me clarity: time to go!

All in all dad was a good sport. I think he gave me a break because I'm pregnant and have apparently lost my mind. Though not as lost as the folks over at Aveda, I'm sure Pops is thinking...

Things I Miss:

1. Wine. I'm not a huge drinker, but I do miss partaking. No one warns you how detrimental it can be to see your closest friends and family become belligerent and bumbling in front of you as you sit sober as George W. Bush these days watching the spectacle. A) I didn't realize they were all such idiots. B) Even worse, I now realize I am also probably that big of an idiot when I drink too.

2. My thighs. My understanding was that pregnant women start to waddle because their hips are miraculously expanding to make way for the baby. How beautiful! No, that's not really it. They waddle because their thighs have grown so large in circumference that they rub together while walking and the friction is so intense a forest fire may erupt down there at any moment.

3. Going to the bathroom like a normal person. I suppose it's designed at this point to give you a trial run in what giving birth feels like.

4. Underwear that fit appropriately.

I'm 30 weeks along now and I think Mat finally realizes that a baby is in there. And will come out. As we enjoy these last few weeks of semi-sanity before Noah I will keep you updated!

No Really, its a .....

BOY! Wow, were we fairly surprised. Because despite my stating that I wasn't leaning one way or the other, I really thought I was having a girl. I'm a girlie girl through and through. I would be fine with a house FULL of girls (though Mat might explode from estrogen overdose). Dresses and makeup and hairdos and jewelry and pink stuff!! What am I gonna do with a boy?! I don't know anything about boys, really. How will we bond? What will we have in common? How do his parts work? How does his mind work? How do I do this?

And then. A few weeks have passed and I started imagining my little towheaded munchkin running around and I let out my breath. And then he started kicking, letting me know I need to accept it, and I started talking to him. He'll be a mama's boy and will be the light of my life and what the heck am I worried about? Mat can teach him sports, or maybe he'll be a smarty pants artist. Or both. Or neither. Whatever he is, whoever he turns out to be, he'll be mine and Mat's and no one else's. (Well, until he turns 30 and we let him out of the house.)

Otherwise pregnancy seems to be going great. It is amazing how your second trimester lulls you into believing that life might actually 'go back to normal.' I have energy, not too many aches and pains, and my only cravings seem to be for extremely disgusting cereal advertised to 5 year olds. I've been on a serious investigation into the disappearance of Eggo cereal from the shelves. If you are unfamiliar, please let me introduce you to pretty much the best cereal EVER. It's little pieces of sugar-laden highly processed corn puffs in the shape of tiny little Eggo waffles and tastes like butter and maple syrup. Holy crap it's good. I can't find these anywhere, but I'm willing to pay a reward to anyone who uncovers a box and sends it to me.

I've been through Apple Jacks (please see previous post) Cocoa Pebbles, Honeycomb, Reese's Pieces cereal (yes, exactly how it sounds, and possibly tied for best cereal ever) and am currently working through boxes of Golden Grahams and Marshmallow Pebbles. I'm also starting a movement for the comeback of Smurfberry Crunch cereal, which I remember from the 80's and was so good - seeing as how they have a new Smurf movie coming out it would seem appropriate, don't you think? Anyway, I'm able to keep pretty accurate records on the various levels of my cereal stores because I do not show these boxes to Katya and I'm pretty much the only one who partakes. These babies only come out late at night or in the morning after she's gone to school. They are so bad for her I would never allow her to eat them!

Other than my cereal fetish (which, if you know me, is not really out of character) I only have a few other minor complaints. Top of the list are the digestion issues as everything starts to get squished. I never even knew what heartburn was until now. Really. I had a hard time describing what it was until a lightbulb went off and got myself some Tums. Also, I have copious amounts of gas and it seems to explode out of me at the most inopportune times. This is quite embarrassing for me as girls are really not supposed to have bodily functions at all. The last incident was as I was picking up Katya at school. I went to the coat area to collect her things and it just so happened that every parent with a child was in the coat area at the exact same time as me. No one had a greater look of awe than I as I realized I was the host of a surprise fart party and the guest of honor just showed up. It happened so fast I couldn't repress the small jump I did (Whooo! as if the fart propelled me off the ground.) I ran, leaving behind scarves and mittens and my dignity.

The other issue is my smelly feet. It's really quite unreal. I've never had much of an issue with this before I was pregnant and now, I stink! And again, ladies should not smell, so this is really a jagged pill to swallow. All of my most comfy and supportive sneakers that have never before gotten odorous are so shockingly pungent now I have to leave them outside sometimes. What is this?!? Couple that with my superhero sense of smell these days and I literally can't stand it.

Needless to say, with all the combined above stated issues I'm not feeling incredibly sexy. On top of that, Victoria's Secret has gotten wind that I'm pregnant and has decided to up the after-baby motivation quotient and start sending me doubles of all of their catalog issues so I can browse often and reminisce about what I used to look like. Or maybe one is supposed to be for Mat as well? The Apocolypse will begin, however, the day I catch Mat looking. Although I have to give him credit. I did promise that my breasts would grow some more and they (still) have not lived up to the hype. And he hasn't said a thing except that I'm beautiful despite my constant body evaluation sessions. Good boy.

Though I was close to tranquilizing him on the day that we went to Babies R Us to register. First we had to listen to the 20 minute presentation on how, actually, to use the scanner gun. Which seems like overkill but actually is quite necessary for that complicated piece of machinery. Mat, already bored with the whole exercise, left after 2 minutes. Which meant that he didn't then know how to delete. And that would have come in handy, because I realized very quickly that he is trigger happy and I am clueless. Bad combination at the baby store.

We started at the closest thing, the breast pumps. And I froze. Within 3 minutes I was completely overwhelmed and nearly in a panic attack. We moved on and as I stewed over the pros and cons of the organic, eco-friendly Boppy cover vs. the cute green fluffy (though apparently toxic?) Boppy cover, Mat took off, disgusted with my indecision, and started just scanning things so he could get some use out of the gun. He literally was bouncing off the walls and his agitation was making me nervous. I then started making a list of all the things I needed to do research on first. And it turns out, I think I need to do research on everything from diaper pails to pacifiers to whether I need headphones for my tummy so Baby Bets can start learning how to speak in the womb or the electronic cry analyzer that will tell me if his cry means 'I'm hungry' or 'change my flippin diaper you lazy bum!'

The other issue was the company we brought with us, which seriously, duh. Katya came and wanted either for herself, her future brother, her friends, or me, every single thing on the shelves. Every. Single. Thing. 'Look at this Mommy, can we buy it?!' 'Ooo, we need THAT!' She'd pick it up, play for a second, drop it on the floor, leave it, we'd tell her to put it back, she'd whine, then finally say 'I can't reach it to put it back!' and over and over again. Oh my god.

We also brought Mat's mom, who, poor thing, was about as overwhelmed as I was. 'When I was having babies we didn't need any of this stuff! We didn't even have stores like these!' And I immediately longed for that nostalgic ignorance. I'd like things to go back to that, quite frankly. I mean, there is so much STUFF. If you have it all, you'd need a 10,000 square foot house and every moment would be a life altering decision of which device to use. If you don't have it all you feel like you are missing out on some great invention that everyone else has and really will save your sanity. I nearly had a meltdown, until I started following around another preggo and her friend with a baby and they seemed to have it all so pulled together. Sigh. We left shortly thereafter with maybe 10 items scanned and I set up a frantic Babies R Us date with my friend Loryn, sans obnoxious husband and crazy child.

So, let's recap what I need so far:

1. A boy name. We had Lola all picked out for a girl, and started doing all this stuff like taking a picture of a sign in Jerome that said "Lola's Place" and Mat got me Lola perfume by Marc Jacobs. We really were cute. Now, we are stuck between 3 boy names and are in a deadlock, with the oh so helpful input of our nearest and dearest. It's so interesting how we get lots of feedback on the names that they DON'T like. Not realizing, I suppose, that we may in fact choose that name and then we'll forever know how much they can't stand saying it.

2. Colors and designs for my nursery. Brown? Blue? Sports? (Uh, no.) Animals? Planes? How about books, art, and pictures of Paris? Yes!

3. Absolutely every possible thing for the nursery. Ditto for everything to actually care for the baby once it comes out of my body.

4. Motivation to get all this done.

5. Eggo Cereal.

Til next time!!

And It's A......

Green fizzy concoction that apparently is telling me I'm having a girl. Yes, I succumbed to the Draino test. Elisabeth brought it with her to the nail salon a couple of weeks ago, and as the rest of the girls got their toenails done I was forced to urinate into some random disposable vessel in the bathroom in the back and then do a hand-off to my best friend of my cup'o pee in full public display. Elisabeth finished the deed by pouring in the Crystal Draino - in a well-ventilated area mind you, due to the fact that you could DIE if you breath in these toxic fumes - and came back into the salon announcing "It's a girl!" This of course set the whole salon, including my favorite Asian nail technicians, a'twitter.

For more accurate results, stay tuned next week, where I'll be answering the questions..."What color should I start buying?" and "Are there twins in there, because I'm fat enough!" and "It's really a baby and not a food sucking alien liquefying my brain cells, right?" Ultrasound finally will happen at 20 weeks. Yay!

For now I'm dealing with the ever-surprising depth of my hunger....and diminishing brain power. I am finally gaining weight after a pretty light first trimester, and boy is it on. I am ravenous. Mostly for sweet things. I read that women crave carb-rich sugar laden foods as a protection mechanism to keep them from eating bitter, poisonous, bad for you leaves and twigs back in the caveman days. So I'm going with that story. I made the mistake of buying Apple Jacks in addition to my supply of High Fiber Flax Seed Bran Flakes with Wheat Germ. Guess which one I pick when my howling stomach wakes me up? Three bowls deep this morning and I finally had to reign in the beast. I'm not proud. (But I'm pregnant so it's ok! See below.) Suppose I need to cultivate my choices more carefully.

I'm not eating too terribly though. I have not allowed myself to cave to a daily ice cream fix or even too many holiday cookies with the frosting, or the fudge or peanut brittle that I love so much or .... all the visions of sugarplums dancing in my head. And I actually have made peace with vegetables again, although broccoli, once my most steadfast ally, will not yet surrender. But in spite of the salads and fruit, my body is holding on the every last calorie. It's just shocking to gain 5 pounds in a week, no matter how you slice it. Blame it on my fat baby...but still it's incredible.

Good news is I feel pretty darn good. That first trimester, man oh man. That's enough to make you swear off going through these shenanigans again. Fortunately it ends - isn't it amazing how God plans that? This whole thing is quite surreal actually. I know that this whole pregnancy thing is not some grand secret biological Davinci-like code that I alone have unlocked. But when it happens to you for the first time, you stand in awe (shock? I was looking in the mirror at my naked body at the time) of all the incredible, miraculous inner workings that perfectly synchronize to make a baby. It's almost impossible to wrap your brain around it. Though if I could wrap my mouth around it, I'd probably eat it.

Speaking of my body doing incredible things, there have been several adjustments to being the physical host to another person that I've had to get used to. Top of the list is the strange way my bladder has taken on a life of its own. It's not controlled by me anymore, is my point. I was sitting here a minute ago laughing at an article on Christmas Toys That Suck and, well, I peed my pants - and more than a little bit. And on my last trip to Phoenix, after several nights of rough sleep, I finally fell into this blissful respite with the only unfortunate side effect being that I did not wake myself up (during one of those "pee dreams" where in your head you're already on the toilet) to go to the bathroom and instead, did a full-on bladder release on the new mattress.

What's even crazier is that I'm not embarrassed to tell you that! If I have to deal with this kind of nonsense on one side, what's great is on the other side I get to blame everything I do on being pregnant and it's all ok. I pee on everything! And you all (women especially) nod and say, yup, I know, but you're pregnant, honey. I put the milk away in the cabinet and found the toilet paper in the fridge! And everyone chuckles knowingly. I act like a crazy person nearly all of the time! And in unison we all accept that its just the way things go when a little person inside you is siphoning off your brain cells to use them as her own. I love it!

Although one very unpleasant brain-loss episode happened recently that still has me reeling. You might have heard that I had an accident with Coco at the Chicago airport on a layover to Philadelphia. The gist is that I let her walk on the escalator and did not have the wherewithal to pick her up. Seriously, duh. I often can't time the fricking disembarkment right and end up tripping over my own stupidity, so what makes me think my dog can do this? You can see where this is going. In the chaos of the moment of ripping her lodged paw out of the moving escalator before it was swallowed into the abyss, I nailed my head on something -who knows what - knocking myself off balance and ending us both up in a heaping, whimpering, bloody mess on the airport floor. A bandaged, toe-less foot (on Coco) and black eye (on me) later, we finally boarded our aircraft four hours after the fact. Coco had drugs to settle her down. I had to spend the rest of the flight drowning slowly in watery guilt without the aid of chemicals. This was two weeks ago and I'm not even close to getting over it. It's been exhausting trying to keep my head afloat above the waves of remorse for so long.

The whole turbulent event has left me questioning my ability to parent. Honestly - if I can't even keep my dog out of trouble, how am I supposed to do this with a kid? And the guilt, my god it's oppressive. When an accident happens, how do you forgive yourself? What am I gonna do at the first banged head or - heaven-forbid - broken bone? It's so scary out there and my job is to protect those that depend on me for their safety, and I failed the test. I almost wish I could rewind back. Ha ha, oops, thought I was ready for this but I'm not! Better luck with someone else!

But there's no going back. I'm in this, and have to go through with it. And I suppose all I can do is my best, and leave the rest up to fate. I will learn from these lessons placed in my path. I will learn slowly, eventually, how to let go too, I guess. I know that there's a plan in all this chaos, here somewhere waiting for me to discover it.

Wonder if there's a cookie in there too...?